The Ice is Broken

When I suggested that you lower you expectations before watching my first live session, I wasn't kidding.

Still, I was hoping I would do much better than what I had prepared you for but obviously it wasn't meant to be.

Don't get me wrong, a few things went very well, like the technical aspects for instance.  I thought the improvised studio looked pretty good, the audio sounded fine and the HD stream was nice and steady.

And my mom thinks that I looked handsome and that am being too harsh on myself.

And I am very happy and relieved to have broken the ice.

But for the 14 minutes or so that the camera was rolling, I was never able to achieve a state of mind that would have allowed me to be creative and fluent.  From the moment I clicked on the 'go live' button, I became tense and everything became mechanical and forced.  I wasn't having fun like I was hoping I would, I wasn't able to talk to you like I would to a friend on a Skype call.   

So for this first live-session, I give myself a 3/10 mark, mostly based on how I felt during the broadcast and how far I feel I was from the best version of myself.  This leaves a lot of room for improvement and let's see if I can improve my mark to a 4/10 on the next broadcast (really, I will be shooting for a 6).

For me, this was a very humbling experience.  To think that I could just 'wing it', with so little experience, was pretentious and delusional.  On multiple occasions before going live, I had visualized myself comfortable, genuine and funny.  I now understand that I was aiming for the kind of authenticity and fluidity that for some people, like me, can take a long time and lots of practice to achieve.  

So at least for the next few live sessions, until I can get rid of the stage fright and its paralyzing effect, I will need to show up more prepared, more 'scripted' and probably try to stay away from improvising.  And maybe eventually, being/feeling more prepared will help me loosen up and feel comfortable enough to go off-script.  

Until then, I would appreciate if you could keep your expectations in check and thank you for your patience while I work on conquering this public speaking beast.  

If you missed the first live session, you can still watch the archived version (you have been warned):

(video embedded here inside a deliberately small shell to reflect how little I feel about it)

I would like to conclude this blog by thanking the empathetic people who took the time to write encouraging words in the forum or by email (Neil, George, CustomSarge).  You guys contributed to softening the fall! Thank you!

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